As I sit awkwardly with my coffee and vape in hand, I begin wondering why so many people are single these days. Now the list of ‘why’ is endless and subjective, which comes in handy when you need material for a blog like mine, but this one in particular is a personal and relatable favourite of mine.
There’s a fascinating urban myth floating around city-dating culture, (right between the overpriced oat milk lattes and watered down rooftop cocktails) – that a woman with an active social life is somehow not the ‘settling down’ type. Which if you ask me, is ridiculous and downright DUMB! She’s not outside because she’s desperate or looking for men, she’s outside because she enjoys being alive!
There’s this weird belief that if a woman has options, experiences, and an identity outside of a relationship, then she’s automatically un-domesticable. Like some feral cat who’s tasted freedom and can never be lured back inside.
Apparently if a woman knows the bartenders name, has a social calendar that requires actual coordination, enjoys a quiz at the local boozer and owns more than one club dress, then she’s stamped with the tragic label: “fun but not wifey material”. It’s like some men think if she leaves the house after 8pm, her loyalty evaporates like a cheap perfume.
She’s too visible.
She’s too social.
She’s too independent.
Meanwhile, these types of men need constant validation on and offline, vanish emotionally when things get serious, see healthy communication as an invite to war, and think washing their ass thoroughly is optional.
The real translation is: she’s not centering her existence around misogynistic views and wifey auditions. And let’s be completely honest, some men just simply feel intimidated by a woman who has a full life where he’s not needed, he’s just wanted. And that scares a man who needs to be seen as the main character.
Some men will glorify being well connected and socially respected, but if a woman does the same thing, suddenly she’s for the streets. Sir, we are shit-talking with our girlfriends, debating astrology and roasting each other’s exes. We’re not tying our hair up with thongs, collecting insta handles or slut-dropping our way into bars. Just because we enjoy tequila doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy commitment, both can coexist perfectly well. Us women are complex creatures, we can hold a margarita, our dignity and emotional depth all at the same time. We can crave that bottle of vino with our girls, and still crave stability, partnership, softness and devotion. Revolutionary, I know!
The idea that fun cancels out loyalty is just lazy thinking and emotional immaturity.
The unspoken expectation is this: A “good woman” should be…mildly boring, low mileage, low noise, low personality. She should be at home crocheting the word ‘lonely’ into cushions, crying into her herbal tea and baking banana bread. But a good woman Is not defined by her lifestyle or baking abilities.
Many of these strong and independent city gals are actually waiting for the right man to make settling down feel safe, you know…a man who shows up as a protector with that puss tingling masculinity that forces us into our feminine. You don’t demand femininity, you inspire it and allow it to bloom. When a woman feels secure, respected and genuinely desired (not controlled) she softens naturally. When she meets a man who doesn’t try to shrink her world, she will naturally fall into that peaceful partnership and you’ll find that she prefers being at home with her man. The right man doesn’t feel threatened by her glow, he enjoys being the reason she chooses to dim the outside noise and come home. And NO, ‘home’ does not mean stop having friends and never go out. You cannot expect her to shrink herself to make you feel like a big man. That’s not leading the way a man should, that’s just insecurity in a blazer.
Some men want a woman who hasn’t fully discovered herself yet, because she is easier to mold and an isolated woman is easier to manage. Let’s face it, a socially active woman has seen different dynamics, experienced attention, learned her dealbreakers, built standards and won’t accept the bare minimum. She knows what she wont tolerate, and she definitely wont tolerate controlling bullshit disguised as ‘traditional values’. So a lot of the time, instead of rising to meet her level, it’s easier for them to dismiss her as “not wife material”. It’s basically ego protection sprinkled with insecurity and fear. That’s not masculinity, that’s cosplay.
A woman who can thrive in a city, pay her own bills, maintain friendships, explore opportunities and still long for deep unconditional love, is not disqualified, she’s HIGH VALUE.
Because when she chooses you, it’s not out of boredom or lack of options, it’s because she wanted you. And that’s way sexier than someone settling because they were scared of being alone. But I guess for some men, that’s deeply unsettling … because if she’s choosing you, not depending on you, then you actually have to show up properly. You have to be consistent, interesting and emotionally intelligent. Not a clown who performs the right act to get the girl, but can’t do the work to keep her.
If you’re a man who feels like he can’t compete with a woman’s best friends, ambition, and a calendar full of joy…then maybe the problem isn’t her social life, maybe it’s your personality, or lack of it.
If you’re the right man, she will happily log off the streets, cancel the rooftop RSVP and melt into cosy evenings with you. Not because she was tamed, not because she was ‘put in her place’ but because she finally met someone worth sitting still for, who adds more to her life than the city ever could.
Until then?
She will be chugging the menu at bottomless brunch!
